Do I Really Know Myself...?

Yesterday at school, Rose Ann popped up this question: "Jan, this concern was raised by some of our fellow OJTs (in Lexmark R&D). They say you are kinda...gay." Then she went, "Jan, are you gay?"

I was dumbfounded when she asked that. My sexuality has been the subject of dispute ever since college. The first one was during my theater days, where my fellow thespians asked me of my sexual orientation.

And now, the question just came out of nowhere, during the least expected time...

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Is it because of whom and how I grew up?
I grew up with women's company. Papa died when I am still of young age, so Mama was left with the sole responsibility of providing for us. I was the only boy in the family of (then) six, until Mama decided to remarry again (with Tiyo Roy, and they beget three children: Lucky (the boy), Danelle, and April).

I don't know how to fight, really. I'm speaking of brawls, of fist fights. Hell, I can't even throw a decent punch! I don't want to pick up a fight with anyone, and would rather choose diplomacy over violence. Though, there are times that I tend to land my fists on my sisters, especially if I'm totally pissed off. :(

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Is it because of whom I am with most of the time?
My barkada are composed mostly of women, and I even have gay friends. I tend to be very close to women, and have made a lot of female friends. Perhaps because I grew up with a family of women, that's why I can get along with women very well. But I do not discount my male friends...

I am a certified loner. Hopeless romantic. I tend to just sit in the corner, and say nothing. Even with a group, there are times where I just prefer not to say anything, since there is nothing I can think of to say, and would prefer to listen. Times that I prefer solitude over company, as I have stated on most of my posts here.

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Is it because of my disposition?
I openly admin that I use a lot of expressions from the 'gay lingo', and even imitate on how they pronounce it. Not just to poke fun on my gay friends, but I just find it the appropriate way of saying it without spoiling its humor. Also, I'm being sissy, soft at times.

I use women's fragrance. As what Martin Nievera said during an interview, "the essence of a man, is a woman's scent." Not just because I want to 'captivate' women, but because I find women's fragrances more 'pleasing' to my senses, not like the men's body spray I used before.

I hate loose shirts. I have a tall, slender body (people would joke on me as a 'walking stick'). And for me, wearing loose shirts would make me look like a walking kite, worse a walking flag. But I also don't use body-fit shirts, the one that would make it hard for me to breathe.

I have never had a girlfriend. Human as I am, I also get attracted to other people, even to males. But not because of 'love' or something, but because of my own imperfections. I tend to get 'jealous'(admire if you'd like it) of the other guys having those muscular muscles and Adonis-like faces. How I wish I was also gifted with the same. And it stays there. That's just it. And perhaps I'm misunderstood...

I did court Charlene, our secretary, last year, but I was rejected. I don't know. There were also occassional flings, infatuations, all of which have died of its natural death.

I don't know. I'm such a hopeless romantic. I tend to fall on the 'love story' part of anything I see, be it anime, teen flicks, even horror films. There are even times that I wish my love story would go like this, like that. Sigh. Perhaps my 'soulmate' (though I don't really believe in destiny, since its the choices you make that shapes your life) has not arrived yet, or whom I have already met. It's uncertain. Mailap pa sa akin ang pag-ibig (love is so rare to me).

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I don't know.

Why can't they accept me as to who I am? I thought they have known me long enough to understand me. But I guess I was wrong. Surely it wasn't their intention to belittle me, put me into shame, but just an effort of clarifying information, of setting the record straight.

But I can't help it...
I'm starting to doubt myself as to who I really am. I can't sleep, thinking of all of this. Perhaps I should get professional help. Perhaps they can help me know the inner me, the real me.

Still the question remains...


Do I really know myself?