Being the Middleman

*Sorry if I wasn't able to update my blog that frequently. I've been doing a lot of things lately, like preparing for my midterm exams, our College Days, and my participation for the CESAFI (Inter-School) IT Quiz by the end of this month. ^^;*

Apologies, but this one should be very long. You could skip the introductory part (the one between the hyphens). ^^;

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Anyway, I'm really worried about this situation of mine...But first, let me introduce to you the characters of this story...

I have this two new-found friends, Kathleen and Jobby. We are in the same subject and schedule (IT 23 - Operating Systems (MWF, 6:31 - 7:31pm)) and are seated in the same row. Most of my peers took the morning subject, and too bad I wasn't able to save a slot for myself, so I have to take the evening spot.

It was a bit sad, since I was alone in a room with no one to talk to. Sure, there are familiar faces in the subject, butI'm not really as close compared to the ones in the morning subject. Soliloquys again? You bet!

But as I've said (read my first post), I can't really live as an island. I tried to open up a conversation with the ladies(meh, I was the only guy within the first two rows XD. Lucky, huh.) and finally got the company I wanted. And you guessed it,from Kathleen and Jobby.

We talk about anything: from our boring subject (and professor XD), to personal rites, even love and sex! Uhm, we havefull trust with our maturity to discuss such things. I am fortunate to have found them...

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Last Wednesday, we went through our usual chit-chat again. We talked about the just-concluded Sinulog festival (it's a festivity here in Cebu in honor of Sto. Niño held every January) and what we did to celebrate. I told them my story in a nutshell(perhaps I will tell my Sinulog experience in my next post ^^;), and vice-versa. Here's how their story went: Kathleen and Jobby were together during the whole celebration (along with their peers too), and too bad, Kathleen didn't enjoy the experience. Her reason is that they only stayed in one venue and never got the chance to see other festival activities. But Jobby quipped that it's Kathleen's fault that she didn't enjoy herself, and that she was too selfish. That, Kathleen did not "go along with the flow" and try to mingle with their friends' company.

Then things started to heat up. The two are throwing arguments at each other; one never lets go. Hurriedly, I joked to both ofthem that if they don't stop, worse things are yet to come. And gladly they did. I was relieved after it...

But I've thought wrong...

Friday: Jobby was alone in our row. In a whisper, she told me something... SHE AND KATHLEEN ARE NO LONGER SPEAKING WITH EACH OTHER! Jobby said that earlier that morning, Kathleen approached her and said that from now on, she will no longer talk to her. I was shocked! I thought that after they stopped last time, they were in good terms again. Jobby requested me not to tell Kathleen that I already know about their situation, and I respect her.

Here's the catch: the three of us are groupmates in this Monday's reporting, and we have agreed last time that we are to surf the net to gather information after our class. Now I am starting to get worried...

After the class, the three of us went together. I was walking between the two of them. No one decided to talk, until Kathleen asked me with an out-of-context question: "Jan, where do you live?" I answered her query, then Jobby follows up Kathleen's question, which I also have to answer. And to spice things up, the two were asking me a lot of questions, all at the same time. Now I don't know whom should I answer first!

At the internet cafe, we had the same position, with me as the middleman. There were occasional talks, and laughs too. I tried not to think about their conflict and focus on our report.

Then we bid goddbye to each other (they were *I think* living in the same boarding house). Before we parted ways, I told them to "take care." Though it really means something else...

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I don't know what to do. I told my peers about this, in hopes that they could give me some enlightenment. One told me tosettle them ASAP; while some avered that I should give them some space.

It's really hard being in the middle of a fight. I don't want to lose them, and I don't want them to lose each other. They are my friends and I care for them. Hope I can do something about it, better yet if they patch things up for themselves.

Monday's fast approaching...

Wonder what will happen...

The Pain of Soliloquys...

*This is my first post, and I would like to make it more of an 'introductory' one. Should you not find any interest in reading it, do ignore this. ^^;*

Soliloquy, a word meaning "talking to ones' self," though I would prefer it be "the pain - of talking to ones' self." I always have something to say to people. But there are times where I would prefer to be in solitude, and thus with the company of my consciousness. Exchanging thoughts with myself enables me to reflect about things, making me think for a couple of times my decisions, my actions, if I were able to do them right. Sometimes I do it just to pass myself of the boredom of walking alone from home to school and vice-versa. I laugh with my own jokes, cry with my own sadness, reply with my own questions, etc. People even think that I'm 'crazy/deluded/insane/dumb/foolish,' but I just ignore them. Soliloquys for me are my own psychological therapy, and I'm quite satisfied with it.

But things really don't end all in happy endings...

I really feel sad when people don't talk to me, perhaps this could be explained with my 'talky' nature. Since it's usually I that opens up a conversation, I would expect that they would reply to me. Too bad. Being ignored is a pain, a notch away from ostracism. It's the most painful when even the people you trusted and thought will always be there for you to listen and reply, turn a blind eye on you.

I'm trying to ignore them and tell myself that I can better off with myself (a lousy defense mechanism, right?). If they ignore me, then I'll ignore them too. If they want something from me, they should open up first. I will remain in my shell until they decide to uncover it. They'll never get anything that will start from me.

But, things don't go always as what you want it to be... You may think that you're better off being an island, but soon you'd realize that you can't live with yourself. And alas, even our consciousness needs contact; external feedback to keep it working.

It was until such time that I was able to notice my foolishness. I'm not hurting them; I'm hurting myself more. The more I don't talk to them, the more I get depressed. Because by doing so, they have the comfort of other people, with their other friends. I'm not their only resort. Watching them with other people (and thus completely ignoring me) is a direct shot to the chest. I feel sad that they don't even mention me in their conversations, and not even noticing my burden. Perhaps...they're better off with other people. I guess I'll remain in my shell for a longer time...even forever. I guess they're not missing me, or even thinking about how I am doing. I guess I've already lost them.

Unless I do something about it~!

I have to resort in casting the first stone. Hesitant, I approached them, opened up a conversation with them. To my surprise, they answered my call~! Not letting the momentum pass, I continued to chat with them. Anything that comes out of my mind I tell them. Perhaps this was the longing I felt. I really can't survive without them. I need them~!

Right now, I'm talking with a friend, who's helping me out in creating this blog. And I'm more eager in writing this text, to express how I felt. Perhaps, blogging is my new therapy.

And here I would like to end my first post.

~Stacheldraht

*sorry for some lapses in grammar, punctuations, and subject-verb agreement. This is also one of the reasons why I'm writing a blog; to improve my English communications skill. Hope you'd understand. Any help is appreciated with regards to my goal. ^^;*