The Pain of Soliloquys...

*This is my first post, and I would like to make it more of an 'introductory' one. Should you not find any interest in reading it, do ignore this. ^^;*

Soliloquy, a word meaning "talking to ones' self," though I would prefer it be "the pain - of talking to ones' self." I always have something to say to people. But there are times where I would prefer to be in solitude, and thus with the company of my consciousness. Exchanging thoughts with myself enables me to reflect about things, making me think for a couple of times my decisions, my actions, if I were able to do them right. Sometimes I do it just to pass myself of the boredom of walking alone from home to school and vice-versa. I laugh with my own jokes, cry with my own sadness, reply with my own questions, etc. People even think that I'm 'crazy/deluded/insane/dumb/foolish,' but I just ignore them. Soliloquys for me are my own psychological therapy, and I'm quite satisfied with it.

But things really don't end all in happy endings...

I really feel sad when people don't talk to me, perhaps this could be explained with my 'talky' nature. Since it's usually I that opens up a conversation, I would expect that they would reply to me. Too bad. Being ignored is a pain, a notch away from ostracism. It's the most painful when even the people you trusted and thought will always be there for you to listen and reply, turn a blind eye on you.

I'm trying to ignore them and tell myself that I can better off with myself (a lousy defense mechanism, right?). If they ignore me, then I'll ignore them too. If they want something from me, they should open up first. I will remain in my shell until they decide to uncover it. They'll never get anything that will start from me.

But, things don't go always as what you want it to be... You may think that you're better off being an island, but soon you'd realize that you can't live with yourself. And alas, even our consciousness needs contact; external feedback to keep it working.

It was until such time that I was able to notice my foolishness. I'm not hurting them; I'm hurting myself more. The more I don't talk to them, the more I get depressed. Because by doing so, they have the comfort of other people, with their other friends. I'm not their only resort. Watching them with other people (and thus completely ignoring me) is a direct shot to the chest. I feel sad that they don't even mention me in their conversations, and not even noticing my burden. Perhaps...they're better off with other people. I guess I'll remain in my shell for a longer time...even forever. I guess they're not missing me, or even thinking about how I am doing. I guess I've already lost them.

Unless I do something about it~!

I have to resort in casting the first stone. Hesitant, I approached them, opened up a conversation with them. To my surprise, they answered my call~! Not letting the momentum pass, I continued to chat with them. Anything that comes out of my mind I tell them. Perhaps this was the longing I felt. I really can't survive without them. I need them~!

Right now, I'm talking with a friend, who's helping me out in creating this blog. And I'm more eager in writing this text, to express how I felt. Perhaps, blogging is my new therapy.

And here I would like to end my first post.

~Stacheldraht

*sorry for some lapses in grammar, punctuations, and subject-verb agreement. This is also one of the reasons why I'm writing a blog; to improve my English communications skill. Hope you'd understand. Any help is appreciated with regards to my goal. ^^;*