Friday the 13th IS REAL!

Friday the 13th: From Wikipedia

Dimalas ang Friday the 13th. Daghang mga katingalahan ang mahitabo.

Gahapon, gibutang sa hotseat ang mga incumbent Datatron officers, with the advisers, the Dean, and the candidates. Wala ko katunga kay nangita mi'g company para sa among thesis (read the two previous posts).

Ilahang gi-question kung unsa'y dagan sa among pagpangalagad: kung asa na padulong ang kwarta sa org, as well as pointing out kung unsa'y mga 'naobserbaran' nila namo.

Aside from our financial standing, na-brought up sad ang akong pangalan ug ang paglarga nako sa Korea.

Tinuod, naa gyud ko'y kahiubos sa akong mga kauban, nga akong nasulti. Pero wala ko'y tumong nga makapasakit ug tawo, or mobungkag sa foundation sa organization. Tungod lang gyud siguro sa akong pagdali-dali mao nga nadala ko sa spur of the moment. Tungod na sa akong pagdali-dali mao nga naa ko'y mga butang nga napagawas. I've said more than what I should have. Na-misinterpret ni sa uban nga mga tawo, nga in-turn mao'y ilang gigamit nga bala para tirahon mi.

I feel so betrayed. Wala ko nag-expect nga iyaha na diay ming gi-kwentahan. Feeling nako, amoang sala tanan. I thought it was all in good faith. Unya ang nahibato, gi-nawong hinuon mi, daw sa namuyboy. Nga wala kuno katabang ang organization nako paglarga nako sa Korea, unsaon na lang kuno pagtabang sa org sa mga constituents niini. Kuwang kuno mi ug suporta gikan sa organization.

Wala ko nag-expect nga ang mga tawo nga among gituohan nga among kasaligan, among mga amigo/amiga, mao na hinuo'y modunggab namo patalikod. Naa diay 'grupo' nga nagplano nga i-take over ang organization. Dugay na kuno ni sila nga nagplano nga i-shake ang foundation sa organization, ug karon ang sakto nga panahon.

Dako gyud kaayo ko'g sala nga nahimo, sa akong mga advisers, sa akong mga co-officers. Feeling nako ako'y nag-catalyze, ako'y nag-instigate ani nga kagubot.

Nasorpresa gyud kaayo akong mga kauban ug among mga advisers. Wala gyud kuno sila'y nasulti; wala na lang sila nisulti. Nakonsensya gyud ko ug maayo maghuna-huna kung unsa'y nahitabo nila.

If only nakatambong ko sa meeting, I could've shed some light on the matter. I could've made a difference. Dili siguro nila makastigo ug ingon-ana among organization.

I feel so guilty of what happened. Ewan kung naa pa ba ko'y nawong nga mapakita sa among mga advisers, now that they've decided nga mo-resign from the advisorship.

Kargo de konsensya gyud nako tanan. Wala na ko kahibalo unsa'y buhaton. Nangayo na lang ko'g tambag sa usa ka tawo nga akong masaligan. Wala ko'y nahimo kung dili ang pagpagawas sa akong kahiubos, ug sa akong kahingawa sa sitwasyon. Nalipay ko nga naa siya didto, sa pagpaminaw, sa paghatag ug tambag, sa pagklaro sa akong hunahuna nga clouded na kaayo. Nagpasalamat sad ko nga ni-offer siya sa iyang help sa pagsulbad ani nga problema.

Pero bisan pa man sa nahitabo, na-feel sad nako nga mas suod na kami sa akong mga kauban. Mas strong karon ang bond nga mao'y nagpalibot namo. We learned how to trust each other more. It is in the darkest of nights that we see the brightest of stars.

With what happened, one thing was assured of me: FRIDAY THE 13TH IS REAL! It can unleash horror you've never expected before.

Do I Really Know Myself...?

Yesterday at school, Rose Ann popped up this question: "Jan, this concern was raised by some of our fellow OJTs (in Lexmark R&D). They say you are kinda...gay." Then she went, "Jan, are you gay?"

I was dumbfounded when she asked that. My sexuality has been the subject of dispute ever since college. The first one was during my theater days, where my fellow thespians asked me of my sexual orientation.

And now, the question just came out of nowhere, during the least expected time...

-----

Is it because of whom and how I grew up?
I grew up with women's company. Papa died when I am still of young age, so Mama was left with the sole responsibility of providing for us. I was the only boy in the family of (then) six, until Mama decided to remarry again (with Tiyo Roy, and they beget three children: Lucky (the boy), Danelle, and April).

I don't know how to fight, really. I'm speaking of brawls, of fist fights. Hell, I can't even throw a decent punch! I don't want to pick up a fight with anyone, and would rather choose diplomacy over violence. Though, there are times that I tend to land my fists on my sisters, especially if I'm totally pissed off. :(

-----

Is it because of whom I am with most of the time?
My barkada are composed mostly of women, and I even have gay friends. I tend to be very close to women, and have made a lot of female friends. Perhaps because I grew up with a family of women, that's why I can get along with women very well. But I do not discount my male friends...

I am a certified loner. Hopeless romantic. I tend to just sit in the corner, and say nothing. Even with a group, there are times where I just prefer not to say anything, since there is nothing I can think of to say, and would prefer to listen. Times that I prefer solitude over company, as I have stated on most of my posts here.

-----

Is it because of my disposition?
I openly admin that I use a lot of expressions from the 'gay lingo', and even imitate on how they pronounce it. Not just to poke fun on my gay friends, but I just find it the appropriate way of saying it without spoiling its humor. Also, I'm being sissy, soft at times.

I use women's fragrance. As what Martin Nievera said during an interview, "the essence of a man, is a woman's scent." Not just because I want to 'captivate' women, but because I find women's fragrances more 'pleasing' to my senses, not like the men's body spray I used before.

I hate loose shirts. I have a tall, slender body (people would joke on me as a 'walking stick'). And for me, wearing loose shirts would make me look like a walking kite, worse a walking flag. But I also don't use body-fit shirts, the one that would make it hard for me to breathe.

I have never had a girlfriend. Human as I am, I also get attracted to other people, even to males. But not because of 'love' or something, but because of my own imperfections. I tend to get 'jealous'(admire if you'd like it) of the other guys having those muscular muscles and Adonis-like faces. How I wish I was also gifted with the same. And it stays there. That's just it. And perhaps I'm misunderstood...

I did court Charlene, our secretary, last year, but I was rejected. I don't know. There were also occassional flings, infatuations, all of which have died of its natural death.

I don't know. I'm such a hopeless romantic. I tend to fall on the 'love story' part of anything I see, be it anime, teen flicks, even horror films. There are even times that I wish my love story would go like this, like that. Sigh. Perhaps my 'soulmate' (though I don't really believe in destiny, since its the choices you make that shapes your life) has not arrived yet, or whom I have already met. It's uncertain. Mailap pa sa akin ang pag-ibig (love is so rare to me).

----

I don't know.

Why can't they accept me as to who I am? I thought they have known me long enough to understand me. But I guess I was wrong. Surely it wasn't their intention to belittle me, put me into shame, but just an effort of clarifying information, of setting the record straight.

But I can't help it...
I'm starting to doubt myself as to who I really am. I can't sleep, thinking of all of this. Perhaps I should get professional help. Perhaps they can help me know the inner me, the real me.

Still the question remains...


Do I really know myself?

Finally, It's Time

This midnight (it's 12:50am, GMT +8), I'll be flying direct from Cebu to Incheon International Airport, South Korea. After months of waiting, the study tour is now to commence.

This will be my first time outside of the country, so I'm really terrified, and excited. I don't know; it's like a whirlwind of emotions in me. I can feel my heart palpitating, and had occasional deep breaths. I've been into a lot of trouble with the preparations, from the passport to my personal belongings. I'm tense, but I'm also jittering. Finally, I'm going to ride an airplane! It's a childhood dream-come-true. :)

This is also the first time that the school will be sending a student overseas to participate in a study tour. A lot of people (especially the President) are expecting a lot from me and from what I gain from the tour. This makes me more insecure. I don't know if I can represent the school well. Will I represent the school well? Can I get away from my inferiority complex?

I wasn't able to bid goodbye to a lot of people, even to my friends. I don't know if they have ill feelings towards me, but that is almost certain. How I wish I can compensate my shortcomings. To my friends, I'm sorry if I wasn't able to bid a formal goodbye. I'm not neglecting you or anything. It's all my fault.

To all the people I've caused a lot of trouble, I humbly ask for an apology. Sorry if I've been hasty these past few days. Blame me for not preparing my things beforehand. This is one habit that I am, and I should, change.

But even with that, I wish to thank all the people who had provided me aid, most especially to Ma'am Maris (our Dean), for giving me more that what I needed, and to Mr. Chiu, for recommending me for the program and for believing in my potential. There are so many of you to name, but you know who you are, and I thank you for all your help. My best regards also goes to all people who have one way or another brought me into this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I won't be seeing you for ten days, nor I will be posting in this blog nor visiting the webspace. I don't know if they provide internet access during the whole tour. Pray for me.

Farewell...for now.

Toilet Misadventures: The Second Coming

I never thought that my toilet misadventures would have a sequel! This happened yesterday, and here's how it went...

I was in school yesterday to participate in a pictorial for the school's magazine. I guess it has something to do with my study tour to Korea, that's why I got picked as an image model. O_O;

I have to admit: I am not that photogenic. I'm really not confident with how I look in the photos. I wonder when the camera will be kind to me. :D

During the break, I hurriedly went to the male's comfort room. Just like last time...to defecate. This time, no vending machines with toiletries, just plain gushing water. Uh, I don't have any choice.

I was already halfway of the ritual when suddenly, a bunch of girls came inside the male's comfort room! I didn't really know how many they were, since I didn't see them. But they were so noisy and guffawed out loud (are girls really like this?), so I can hear them from the rear cubicle I'm sitting.

I can still remember one of them saying, "It's still vacation anyway, so seldom uses this toilet. But just to make sure, let's just lock the door.". They have no idea who was with them! One of them was so fumed while blabbing that the nearest ladies' room was locked, and that they're really in a hurry. Well, it's vacation time, and there are only a few comfort rooms open. Another one was complaining on how the men's room was stinking, and that the cubicles were dirty. Well, I can't blame them. <_<;

Now here's the exciting part: the ladies were using the cubicle right next to me! I can hear every detail of it. Oh no. I kept silent and even paused for a moment. I was the blind witness as they were taking turns of the cubicle.

No, I didn't look at them. I'm not a pervert. Some would have taken advantage of it, but it's definitely not my style. I respect people's right to privacy. I have to make sure that they won't find out that someone (of the opposite sex) is there with them, to avoid more serious trouble.

As soon as the coast was clear, I immediately went out of the cubicle.




*Sorry for the choice of words. I tried to make it as 'wholesome' as possible.*
*Sigh, when will this end?* :(

Misadventures...in the Toilet!

This happened last Friday, but it's so hilarious that I want to post this. :D

*Disclaimer: This may sound a bit offensive, but lightly.*

Upon going home from Danao City to Cebu City, I really had this rumbling feeling on my tummy. After hours of storage, my wastes are rampaging, like a volcano about to explode.

"Warning, warning, the self-destruct bomb is to explode in five minutes!", I thougth to myself. I'm just so glad that the bus arrived in the terminal in the nick of time.

I hurriedly went inside a mall's comfort room. I didn't bring any spare paper with me. Yes, it's totally gross, but I use ordinary paper to *ehem* wipe my *ehem* ass *ehem* after defecating. Lucky for me, the mall has vending machines that supply toiletries (tissues, sanitary napkins, etc.).

But...

Drats, and there was no vending machine on the men's toilet! And guess where it was? You bet. It's inside the ladies' room.

Gosh, and I am to get inside there? LOL, and I am to apply a lot of 'kapal ng mukha' cream.

"Ahm, excuse me, but can I get a tissue paper?", I asked a lady, while pointing on the vending machine. Please, don't think that I'm a pervert. I'm really just in a hurry.

To my relief, she gave me the permission.

The ladies' room is just a few steps away from the men's, so I was able to get inside the cubicle in no-time.

*I don't need to enumerate how I pooped, right? LOL*

But it doesn't end there. There is still more to it.

As I was almost finished defecating, I opened the tissue paper pack. To my surprise...it contained a woman's sanitary napkin!

What the f***? I am very sure that I picked the tissue paper option on the vending machine! I can never be mistaken, never!

Now comes the dilemma: should I use the napkin (err?), or not? Ahahah, and I was laughing with myself. I had no other choice, unless I would opt to use my hanky. Hell no.

With my eyes closed, I * with a sour face* wiped the napkin on my ass. There ends the bowel ritual, and of this horrendous experience.

I checked the vending machine upon getting out of the cubicle. And etched on it was TISSUE PAPER, not SANITARY NAPKIN. Gosh, the toilet maintenance should fix that.

That was one laugh trip, I tell you. But I hope it will never happen again.

Dilemma: English or No-English?

One of the reasons why I created a blog was to improve myself in written English. But I don't know. I have referred my blog for reading to my classmates, but they hate reading all-English texts. Colloquially, speaking and even reading English make their noses 'bleed.'

One drawback I find when I post is that it takes me a considerable amount of time thinking of the right English words to use. Heck, I always open Dictionary.com to look for more 'better' words than the conventional ones. I've been trying to emulate those savvy writers who use such 'unheard-of' words in a fashion.

I go all-out when writing in my mother tongue. I find it easier for me to think of anything to say, because I'm not barred with any rule. I can freely express myself with less regard on grammar and punctuation. Looking for the right words is no-bother. Yes, it's a much smooth-sailing ride.

I type considerably long posts in Cebuano first, then translate it to English days after. Typing in English impromptu limits the thoughts coming out of me, since I can't readily 'pour it out.' It's no longer surprising that the composition loses some of its thought during the transition. The dilemma of finding the right English word for the original text adds burden to my load. There are times that I feel my blog clinging more to sensationalism than being an honest work-of-thought.

One reason why I write in the universal language is to improve my use of it. But does it have to bar my thoughts of coming out? Does it have to be sensationalized?

I also want people from all walks of life to understand my blog. I want to cater to a much bigger audience, that's why I use written English. But the thought alone of my classmates not reading this, and my blog no bigger than a bit of sand in this open sea, with the 'people from all-walks-of-life' not even knowing about this, how can I serve my purpose? If there's no one to correct you about how to use the language (which is my first goal), then how will you know that you're already doing wrong? Most people fail to realize their mistakes until they're told to by others. Self-motivation is really helpful, but it feels better when you hear it from other people.

Should I break my self-imposed Golden Rule of English?

I don't want to surrender, yet. This is the biggest outlet for me to express my thoughts that the world can understand. And I want to continue my crusade. I am proud that I was able to make it through 20+ posts of all-English texts. Years ago I am even struggling to write even a paragraph in English, let alone its syntax and semantics. This is something that I've never done before. I've already made it this far. I'm not giving up that easily. Sayang ang lahat ng pinagpaguran ko.

There are times that one should learn by himself. I can't force people to read something they don't want.

I don't know. My mind can't come up with a firm decision yet. I have my inner monsters to battle. I hope to be shed some light. This is another dilemma I am again to face on my own.

But at least someone can help me out...

A News of Good

I got a call from the Executive Director of the Embassy of the Republic of Korea (in Makati), Miss Jerry, that I am officially included for the Korean study tour. She already sent me a couple of books about Korea, and a copy of the tour's program. Sadly, I didn't bring the program as of typing time. I would've posted it in here. :)

She's also to send my passport (together with my visa), and will be getting it in a day or two.

I hurriedly went to school to inform Mr. Chiu (the one who recommended me for the tour) about the good news. At first he was dubious about the information, and even asked me (again) when the tour will be, and if I am officially a participant. I told him that there was no direct word from Miss Jerry that I am officially a part of the tour (ironic, isn't it?). I just hoped that her sending of the books and of my passport was enough averment of my inclusion. I'll be giving Miss Jerry a call for an official endorsement, and ask her a few questions.

I think he was satisfied with what I said...

He then accompanied me to the university's President, Atty. Go's office to relay to him the news too. Atty. Go is the Honorary Consulate to Korea, perhaps one of the reasons why our school was also chosen to be a part of the tour. And as far as what Miss Jerry told me is concerned, University of Cebu is the only school in Cebu to be participating the program, with others from the NCR (Ateneo, La Salle, and UP).

Just the thought of meeting the President up-close sent shivers down my spine, much more when I've actually seen him. At first he had this stern impression, and he was quiet, giving only a little of words.

He had this self-portrait hanging behind the doors. His office had a wide space, open to anyone who'd like to come to him. But surely an aura of formality enveloped the office, a distinct quality of any executive edifice.

"He is our student participant for the Korean tour, and we're here to ask for your blessing." -- in thought, that was what Mr. Chiu said, though I rephrased it. Atty. Go then went to a little room behind his table, and was checking something out. It was two-$100 bills! Actually, that was what Mr. Chiu meant with 'blessing.' Atty. Go is also known for his generosity, always wanting to help. I was expecting it too, but never thought that it would be that much. With the current dollar-peso exchange rate, the amount would come out to be around P9,000.00! My, I never held such an amount before, especially for me. And no, I asked Mr. Chiu to keep the money instead of me. :)

Also as part of the program, we're also given the chance to endorse our respective schools to Korean universities we are to visit. A couple of the school's brochures are helpful. Heh, and I guess I need to prepare a speech, my testimonial about the school and its programs. I'm thinking of pointing out more on the school's ESL program, where we have a lot of Korean nationals enrolled.

And only one person is of ascendancy when it comes to the school's promotional affairs: Sir Rudy Aviles. You may ask why I introduced him in such a way. A pioneer of the Philippine Arts (especially on Theater/Performance Arts), Sir Rudy has been on minor and major arts productions in and out of the country, let alone his other achievements. And he's also the adviser of the school's Theater Workshop Company, where I was a member of two years (after I quit this year to run in our college government). I still have qualms on facing him. :(

Days soon I will be interviewed about my participation and it will be posted on the school's magazine. Having a page or two about me surely makes me jitter. I wonder if I'll be ready to answer.

I'm even tense about my participation, whether I can do everything right and never mess up. Somehow I still feel inferior, especially with the schools going also to the tour. Those three are highly celebrated schools, and are known to be the homes of the elite. I even have low faith on my English skills. :(

Can I represent the school (and the country) in the best that I could? Can I overcome my inferiority complex? Things are still to happen, be it good or bad. But I'm crossing my fingers.

Have You Ever...

Have you ever felt that the whole world seems to be on your shoulders, when everyone watches your every move, reprimands all your mistakes, like you’ve done nothing right? Did it ever come to you when the people around you just fail to understand the situation at hand, or when people stop understanding because they just ‘got tired’ of things not turning out the way they want it to be? When you’re so fed up with this entire ruckus, that instead of them helping you they push you some more, you just want to give up?

For almost two months I have not received my allowance being an on-the-job trainee of one of the printer and printer solutions mammoths. It’s already a norm here that OJTs cannot retrieve their first allowance (scheduled every fifteen days), and may instead get it on the second allowance period, maybe longer. Perhaps the reason is that they have to clinch the OJT’s settlement with the company first (which includes his/her benefits, among others), and may take long.

Well that’s fine with me.

When the second payroll period came, I tried to use the ATM card with my peers. They were able to withdraw, but not on my case. It says that "it cannot process my transaction." Oh well. I called the HRD the following day, and they told me that my name's not included on the payroll system rosters (strangely though), but that doesn't mean that my working days will be devoid. It will be counted on the third payroll period.

So I've waited for another fifteen days...

And on the afternoon of May 15, I tried using my card again. Alas, the card's not working again -- not valid, card not found in the system. Gosh. I informed the HRD once again. "Perhaps because we weren't able to give out everyone's salary today because of some uncontrolled circumstances that's why the card didn't work. How about trying it tomorrow morning, and if it still doesn't work, forward your card here and we'll have it replaced." -- that's what the HR personnel told me.

So I was hopeful that the next day I will finally receive my allowance. But to my mishap, I still got the same error message. So I hurriedly went to the HRD to have my card replaced. They told me that I can do an over-the-counter withdrawal, if confirmed that the card's not working by the bank. I need to wait for the HRD's call for the results, which may take a few days.

I went home with a heavy heart. I am just boarding at my Tita Juliana's house, and I haven't paid my dues every since I started living there. I feel hesitant eating my meals with them, that is why I intend to pass meals. However, they have not "nagged" yet about paying our debts, but do I have to wait for that time to come?

All I got when I arrived home were constant reprimands. Mom was irate at me. She's been "understanding" so much, after the first and second pay period that I didn't get my share. But now she has had enough. It's her firm decision to making me stop working. She said I "don't need" my job, so why should I suffer?

She's finding it hard to make both ends meet. She's been lending from many people for my baon, with the promise that when the money comes we'll pay for it. She's having qualms that we have not paid Tiyo Tony and Tiya Juliana yet, and sooner, the two will be babbling about our overdue bill. She has known these people to be acting as such.

She hurriedly went to Tiyo Eddie's, to borrow money for our fare to Danao. We'll go there and she won't let me work.

And speaking of babbles, Tiyo Tony and Tiya Juliana were censuring me on both sides, add up my cousins (their children) who think reprimanding me is a pushover. Worse, they want me to sue the company to the Department of Labor or if not, in one of the radio stations here.

At that moment, I was feeling my heart tightening. I was falling short of breath. It was like a young heart attack. Cardiac arrest took my father's life. God forbid! I turned a deaf ear on all of their castigation, so that I won't be feeling further pain. I went out of the house to gasp some air.

At that moment, I’ve felt that the whole world was on my shoulders, when everyone watches my every move, reprimands all my mistakes, like I’ve done nothing right. I am the worst person there is...

Haven't they thought that I accepted this fate with a little to no complaint, so why can't they? To think, I was also disappointed with the turnout, but I welcomed the challenge. I already had a plan on where to invest my money, but there's not much that I can do. I felt that time's playing with me again. Instead of these people helping me with my burden, they push my head to the sand some more. They've "gone tired" of understanding, that's why they resort to such drastic measures. Haven't they thought that they're just adding fuel to the fire? Haven't they thought that once this issue reaches the public ear, this will greatly taint my image as a student and a future workforce? I may not be able to graduate because the company dropped me off of the training, or the other companies blacklisting me. By then, I don't know what's gonna happen with my lfe. This aftermath is worse than the measly amount I will be getting...

That's why I'm very thankful for Tiyo Eddie for giving me a hand, for letting Mama understand my side. I was overjoyed when Mama held my hand and gave my comforting words. I'm glad that she accepted my fate, and the things that will happen if she let her angst get much of her. She told me to request the company to please hasten up the processing of my salary.

If not for Tiyo Eddie, I may have remained the underdog. I may have let go...

Sigh.

New and exciting things had happened to me these past few days. Forgive me if I’m not updating my blog often; frugality in expenses. Times that I feel tired typing about these things again – procrastination-cum-laziness. Yeah, it would’ve been nice if I wrote them on a journal, but I’m too lethargic in doing so.

I don’t know what will happen to my blog. Though not necessary but recommended, blogs should be updated everyday, but there are cases that stop me.

I seldom log to the internet now – no resources to finance such. I have a very huge debt to Tiya Gina, the owner of the internet café I’m patronizing. I’m having a hard time paying my dues.

I’m not earning my own salary; I depend so much on my monthly allowance, which I find meager as time passed. Mama shoulders me with the petty dues I have, but still she depends on my Ate Mikit’s salary for Mama is unemployed. Alas, even Ate Mikit is having a hard time making both ends meet, and even had her own share of credit borrowing. Plus, she’s shouldering my other sisters’ schooling.

My credit account is almost two thousand pesos. And looking at my financial standing (based on the aforementioned paragraph), it may take some time before I shell out my dues.

Good thing that Tiya Gina understands me. I never heard a word from her yelling at me and never hurried me as to my responsibility. That’s why I feel more ashamed of myself; I abstained myself – I will not surf the net unless important. I minimized playing online games, chatting with my online friends, checking my Friendster account and of course, updating my blog.

I should’ve done this in the first place. My debt would not have grown at this height. Yes, I’m willing to pay my dues (and will never run away from it), but then, no matter how one is eager, but he himself doesn’t have the capacity to do so, still it goes in vain.

In a matter of time I noticed a change in Tiya Gina’s approach to me; she seems to be ‘upset’ every time I log in. Though she never says a thing, but I can feel it. I can’t blame Tiya Gina; it has been a while since I remitted. I usually remit 500 pesos a month, but then my dues should shoot up again, thanks to me.

“Well, I’m able to pay a fraction of the total cost, then I think it would be alright to go overboard again…”

I have no one to blame but myself, on why I have let myself swallowed up by my vice – committing debt but cannot commit payment.

Being the Middleman

*Sorry if I wasn't able to update my blog that frequently. I've been doing a lot of things lately, like preparing for my midterm exams, our College Days, and my participation for the CESAFI (Inter-School) IT Quiz by the end of this month. ^^;*

Apologies, but this one should be very long. You could skip the introductory part (the one between the hyphens). ^^;

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Anyway, I'm really worried about this situation of mine...But first, let me introduce to you the characters of this story...

I have this two new-found friends, Kathleen and Jobby. We are in the same subject and schedule (IT 23 - Operating Systems (MWF, 6:31 - 7:31pm)) and are seated in the same row. Most of my peers took the morning subject, and too bad I wasn't able to save a slot for myself, so I have to take the evening spot.

It was a bit sad, since I was alone in a room with no one to talk to. Sure, there are familiar faces in the subject, butI'm not really as close compared to the ones in the morning subject. Soliloquys again? You bet!

But as I've said (read my first post), I can't really live as an island. I tried to open up a conversation with the ladies(meh, I was the only guy within the first two rows XD. Lucky, huh.) and finally got the company I wanted. And you guessed it,from Kathleen and Jobby.

We talk about anything: from our boring subject (and professor XD), to personal rites, even love and sex! Uhm, we havefull trust with our maturity to discuss such things. I am fortunate to have found them...

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Last Wednesday, we went through our usual chit-chat again. We talked about the just-concluded Sinulog festival (it's a festivity here in Cebu in honor of Sto. Niño held every January) and what we did to celebrate. I told them my story in a nutshell(perhaps I will tell my Sinulog experience in my next post ^^;), and vice-versa. Here's how their story went: Kathleen and Jobby were together during the whole celebration (along with their peers too), and too bad, Kathleen didn't enjoy the experience. Her reason is that they only stayed in one venue and never got the chance to see other festival activities. But Jobby quipped that it's Kathleen's fault that she didn't enjoy herself, and that she was too selfish. That, Kathleen did not "go along with the flow" and try to mingle with their friends' company.

Then things started to heat up. The two are throwing arguments at each other; one never lets go. Hurriedly, I joked to both ofthem that if they don't stop, worse things are yet to come. And gladly they did. I was relieved after it...

But I've thought wrong...

Friday: Jobby was alone in our row. In a whisper, she told me something... SHE AND KATHLEEN ARE NO LONGER SPEAKING WITH EACH OTHER! Jobby said that earlier that morning, Kathleen approached her and said that from now on, she will no longer talk to her. I was shocked! I thought that after they stopped last time, they were in good terms again. Jobby requested me not to tell Kathleen that I already know about their situation, and I respect her.

Here's the catch: the three of us are groupmates in this Monday's reporting, and we have agreed last time that we are to surf the net to gather information after our class. Now I am starting to get worried...

After the class, the three of us went together. I was walking between the two of them. No one decided to talk, until Kathleen asked me with an out-of-context question: "Jan, where do you live?" I answered her query, then Jobby follows up Kathleen's question, which I also have to answer. And to spice things up, the two were asking me a lot of questions, all at the same time. Now I don't know whom should I answer first!

At the internet cafe, we had the same position, with me as the middleman. There were occasional talks, and laughs too. I tried not to think about their conflict and focus on our report.

Then we bid goddbye to each other (they were *I think* living in the same boarding house). Before we parted ways, I told them to "take care." Though it really means something else...

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I don't know what to do. I told my peers about this, in hopes that they could give me some enlightenment. One told me tosettle them ASAP; while some avered that I should give them some space.

It's really hard being in the middle of a fight. I don't want to lose them, and I don't want them to lose each other. They are my friends and I care for them. Hope I can do something about it, better yet if they patch things up for themselves.

Monday's fast approaching...

Wonder what will happen...

The Pain of Soliloquys...

*This is my first post, and I would like to make it more of an 'introductory' one. Should you not find any interest in reading it, do ignore this. ^^;*

Soliloquy, a word meaning "talking to ones' self," though I would prefer it be "the pain - of talking to ones' self." I always have something to say to people. But there are times where I would prefer to be in solitude, and thus with the company of my consciousness. Exchanging thoughts with myself enables me to reflect about things, making me think for a couple of times my decisions, my actions, if I were able to do them right. Sometimes I do it just to pass myself of the boredom of walking alone from home to school and vice-versa. I laugh with my own jokes, cry with my own sadness, reply with my own questions, etc. People even think that I'm 'crazy/deluded/insane/dumb/foolish,' but I just ignore them. Soliloquys for me are my own psychological therapy, and I'm quite satisfied with it.

But things really don't end all in happy endings...

I really feel sad when people don't talk to me, perhaps this could be explained with my 'talky' nature. Since it's usually I that opens up a conversation, I would expect that they would reply to me. Too bad. Being ignored is a pain, a notch away from ostracism. It's the most painful when even the people you trusted and thought will always be there for you to listen and reply, turn a blind eye on you.

I'm trying to ignore them and tell myself that I can better off with myself (a lousy defense mechanism, right?). If they ignore me, then I'll ignore them too. If they want something from me, they should open up first. I will remain in my shell until they decide to uncover it. They'll never get anything that will start from me.

But, things don't go always as what you want it to be... You may think that you're better off being an island, but soon you'd realize that you can't live with yourself. And alas, even our consciousness needs contact; external feedback to keep it working.

It was until such time that I was able to notice my foolishness. I'm not hurting them; I'm hurting myself more. The more I don't talk to them, the more I get depressed. Because by doing so, they have the comfort of other people, with their other friends. I'm not their only resort. Watching them with other people (and thus completely ignoring me) is a direct shot to the chest. I feel sad that they don't even mention me in their conversations, and not even noticing my burden. Perhaps...they're better off with other people. I guess I'll remain in my shell for a longer time...even forever. I guess they're not missing me, or even thinking about how I am doing. I guess I've already lost them.

Unless I do something about it~!

I have to resort in casting the first stone. Hesitant, I approached them, opened up a conversation with them. To my surprise, they answered my call~! Not letting the momentum pass, I continued to chat with them. Anything that comes out of my mind I tell them. Perhaps this was the longing I felt. I really can't survive without them. I need them~!

Right now, I'm talking with a friend, who's helping me out in creating this blog. And I'm more eager in writing this text, to express how I felt. Perhaps, blogging is my new therapy.

And here I would like to end my first post.

~Stacheldraht

*sorry for some lapses in grammar, punctuations, and subject-verb agreement. This is also one of the reasons why I'm writing a blog; to improve my English communications skill. Hope you'd understand. Any help is appreciated with regards to my goal. ^^;*